What is this I we talk of?

I have come to a conclusion about something. In our lives we desire things and center our lives around ourselves. Everything is about me utlimately. The only problem is when I think this way is when I am the most unhappy. When I have periods in my life that I think of others well being before my own I am happy, joy fills my life, things make sense. So in friendship and love what if I look at that person and see what they need from me opposed to how they can fullfill my needs? What would happen? Would I be living within the flow of how things should be? Since I believe in God which means I believe in the Bible and the Bible tells us not to worry for God will take care of us. Then why should I be concerned that my own desires be fulfill since God is going to take care what I need to function to the best of my ablity? Life is not about me and the journey that I am taking is trying to understand that life is not about me. In some way maybe that is what life is about a journey to understand that you are not what makes the world exist.

Just one of those mornings

You ever have one of those mornings where you feel your life is about to have a huge change. Now, this can be one of two emotions attached to it a good change like Christmas morning or bad one like a friend moving away. This perticular morning I don't know how to feel. I graduate in 2 weeks for a 5 year archiecture degree, My best friend Micah is moving to Alabama in the fall, and my other best friend Taylor is moving back here from California. On the one side graduating is great, no more classes with homework or assignments, but on the other hand you have to deal with the responsiblity of real life... Real life means bills and working in an office 40-50 hours a week getting up every morning at 6 am so you can have enough time to wake up before you drive through tons of traffic. Real life contains the constant stigma of "why aren't you married yet." In general Real life is just a huge change from College life.

Micah leaves in August, which is a huge let down. I am extremely proud of him on the other hand because he is going into the ministry. I know it is hard for him to go to school for another 4 years but I also know in the end he will enjoy it.

Now Taylor is moving back which is an awesome thing but he is also getting married which means things will not be the same. I don't know how they will change but they will. So you can seem my dilemna. It is not bad news any of these things but it isn't neccessarily good news either. A man at a turning point in his life never knows what to think, so he writes is confusion on the internet where few read it.

Lewis

" 'If England was what England seems
Ow quick we'd drop'er. But she ain't'
Love never spoke that way. It is like loving your children
only 'if they're good,' your wife only while she keeps her
looks, your husband only so long as he is famous and
successful. 'No Man,' said one of the Greeks, 'loves his city
because it is great, but because it is his." ~CS Lewis ("The Four Loves" pg. 28)

CS lewis was talking about patrotism and ones love of his country, but you can make a parallel with how we view our church, family, teams, and classrooms. Too many people forsake their church because it is not known enough, doesn't have enough members, the preacher isn't edgy enough. Do we think about that we should love her (the church) for her faults and good qualities? Even fans of a certain team love their team even when they lose. I am not saying that you shouldn't question or challenge and problem you see in your church. But what I am saying is that complaining never solves anything only a willingness to roll up your sleves and do something about it. I wonder how our worship and fellowship would change when we love our church because it is our church?

Break Down

This morning I had a break down. I just finally let out all of my frustrations, pains and angers with God, life and people (in general). 30mins of tears, yelling, and throwing things. I must say I feel great. For the men out there that think men should not cry, I think you really need to do some soul searching because when you are at the point of tears you really get out what trully is bothering you. There are no more barriers of what people will think or how does this look to me. When you are at the point of tears you finally want to deal with what is going on in your mind. Tears are drops that finally release you from whatever bondage you have created for yourself. I find the more we want to be proper and do what the world does with issues (brush them under the carpet) we become more unhappy and angry people (or atleast I do). To question God does not mean you do not believe. Actually, in alot of cases it means you have a firm enough relationship with Him that you can get to the meat of the problem you have. I am not advocating to just argue with God but I am saying we need a much more sincere relationship with our Creator. My day started out with wrestling a whole lot of issues I am dealing with. How did yours start?

A long time coming ...

It has been a long time coming that I will update this blog. I tend to not even worry about it because I figure no one is reading it, but to my surprise my friend Brett constantly wants me to update it. So here I am taking a moment and trying to collect my thoughts.

It has been a long time coming that I should graduate. Now, everyone keeps asking me, "Are you excited?" or "what are you going to do when you graduate?" And I always seem to give a similar answer of, "I don't know." Granted I have a job waiting for me when I graduate, but it doesn't excite me. On the contrary, I am sad. Now don't get me wrong I am happy that I won't have homework or frustrating nights in studio. The thing is I am ending a time in my life where I was most free. College is a great time to discover somethings about yourself because you have no real responsiblities. A college student gets to sleep late have simple jobs and a choice to go to class or not. When we graduate we have bills to pay, a job we must always get up for and a demand on our life that we produce. I know I can't stay a college student forever that we all must keep growing and understand the benefits of that. I just want to vent my feeling of loss as I leave college because it has been good to me.

It has been a long time coming that a girl should make me turn and wonder what my life would be like with her. Enough said about that because I know all guys have felt this one time or another.

It has been a long time coming that I stop fearing my own failure and start taking up a sword dropped infront of me. All my life I have feared my own ablities and doubted what I can do. I constantly wrestle with God about what am I doing physical for His kingdom because right now all I feel is that I am just sitting at home reading. How much love have I shown His children? How much action have I really taken? I do not type this to sound down on myself but just realizing I can do something. I will not neccesarily fail if I try and I will not fail if I openly give.

It has been a long time coming that I share my thoughts on here because we all need to vent to no one. All of us feel confused, messed up, and completely out of control at moments and I must say it is good for us. Makes us realize what we really care about. Embrace and be honest about the question you have in life because they will come out in something eventually.
(PS "look Brett I updated my BLOG")

Catch me

First of all I want to appologize to all my addoring fans. Taylor I am sorry I haven't been writing. I decided to take a month off because I was lazy. There I am glad I got that over with. On one serious note I do hope someone besides me is helped by reading this.

I was watching a movie called "Weather man" this past weekend, and ended up walking out. Before I did I saw a scene that made me think. The scene was between the main character (Nicholis Cage) and his estranged wife. They had decided to go to marriage counciling in an attempt to save their marrage. Well one of the exercises the therapist had everyone in the class do was to have your wife stand infront of you, facing the wall. Then let go and fall backwards. This image stayed with me. The exercise was all about building trust with a simple act of trust. I have always seen this act as really simple. I mean who wouldn't catch the person? Even though you can't see the person you know they are right behind you. Let me give humanity a little create and say if two people decide to get married they can't all be bad. The person's going to catch you anyways because there is a room full of people watching you. Ok so we have established this is a no brainer act. So why doesn't this apply to the way I look at God? Why can't I left go and trust he will catch me? He tells us clearly in the Bible He will catch us (Matt. ch.7). Why is this so hard and confusing? As a christian I must and do believe that He exists and that the Bible is truth. So how is that different than knowing the person is standing right behind me?
One of my favorite movies is "Garden State." A story of a man literally missing life because he is numb to the experience of life. But what I love the most is the ending he leaves his love to try and figure out a plan to organize his life. But the last scene is the girl crying in an airport phonebooth and all the sudden the main character busts in pulls her out and says screw the plan I am not sure of anything but all I am sure of is you. Playing in the background is a great song by Frou Frou called "let go" and the movie ends. The only thing I am sure of is God nothing else in my life is a sure thing. I could loose my leg, eye or hair tomorrow. I could get kicked out of school. My parents could get a divorce or a friend could let me down. Nothing in this life is a sure thing except God and Jesus Christ. Our life pursuit should be the act of letting GO and falling back knowing He will catch us. There is "beauty in the Break Down" because it shows us how much we need Christ.
Now I am not saying just blindly say he will keep me safe if I walk infront of traffic or i don't have to study for a test because I have faith in God. Honestly I would have to say you were being stupid... yes stupid because God doesn't say he will just wave a magic wand and make our lives better for ourselves. No, every act is for His glorification. What I am saying we need to stop trying to control our lives because all we do is mess it up. There is a reason we need to have constant and regular contact with our Father, so we lead the best possible life. Now I could go into way this is so important but that is a whole separate point that people have written books on.
People walk through life racing, stressing, worrying what will happen next and led lives that are so much less fullfilling than letting Go to a God that is faithful. I have a dream every so often that I am standing on the edge of a very high diving board with my back to the water and my face toward the latter going back down. The question is do I walk back down the latter and control my outcome or do I let my body fall backwards? I guess we all have to ask ourselves that question dayly. Do I need to constantly feel fear and worry because my life isn't going where I want it to or do I want to let go and find my God?

Dawson's Creek message

This morning I was watching Dawson's Creek, which is not standard for me but I saw something interesting. I am watching an episode about Pacy's 18th birthday. Now all those of you who are not familar with the show Pacy is one of the main charactors. Now in this episode it is his birthday and his girlfriend decides to throw him a family birthday party. The part that made me stop and think is that he is surrounded by his friends and family who begin to tell stories about him ( all suggested by Pacy's mother to get closer to him). Every story that his family instinctively tells from memory is about how Pacy messes up, destories something, or fails at something. This to me made me think of my older brother. All through out his life I would focus on how he screwed up or messed up and in the end we are not close. Why is that? I think the reason is humanity naturally focus on the negative in everything. Someone cut YOU off, I will be late for so and so, and it goes on and on. Not one day that has gone by has helped me in this negative thought. Never has it helped with my relationship with friends, family or roomates.

The message of Jesus is not about focusing on the negative. Here is an example I meet weekly with a bunch of guys to just spend time talking about God. This last tuesday only two others showed up and my first response was where are the other 3? What was so important that they couldn't come and spend time with God? You know what my friend next to me said "what about the two that are here?" This floored me. I just sat there thinking how much of a jerk am I? This is not helping me love anyone. All negative thoughts do is fuel my hate, anger and rage which are not of the spirit.

"But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself." (Gal. 5:13-14)

"For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the spirit, and the spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealously, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunknness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kindom of God." (Gal. 5: 17-21)
Here Paul is talking to the Galatians because they have turned from Paul's message to them and is getting confused by other teachers about curcumcsion. What captured me this morning was he talked about the spirit and the sinful nature. Anyone out there ever felt like they have to different people inside them . . . here is why. This morning I realize that I have let too much of my sinful nature dictate my like because my fruit is fits of rage, impurity, envy and hatred. Now I am not focused on this but when I see what is coming out of me even in the slightest degree it bothers me because I am not living the best possible life. Negatvity just fuels the sinful nature. Now that I have spend my time giving the negative side of this message lets flip.

Look at the fruit of the Spirit:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self - control." (Gal. 5:22)

How beautiful these words are with this hope. I am not telling anyone even myself to focus on these because you don't seek God through a focus on any of these. Each one of these traits are consequences of spending time with God and letting him work on your heart. I look at these to see do I have these am I showing these to my fellow man because if I am not, then I am letting the sinful nature dictate my actions and not the spirit.
The sum of this blog is really tell let you think. Don't listen to me I am just a man but atleast question yourself where you are going and what your focus is, because the world generally focus's on the negative. Where do you stand?